Top 10 Depression Activities

  1. Go to Platt Fields Park and stare at the birds. Actually, first of all, stare at their poop, which is mixed with wet leaves and mud into the path around the pond. You need to appreciate the volume of poop before you go ahead and stare at the birds. Watch some gulls and geese having a fallout. Watch a little coot nipping across the water. Watch a massive muddy swan flop onto dry land, walk to the grass, and start eating dirt. 
  2. Go through Deansgate to get to the offices of a temp agency in the pouring rain. Go past the massive House of Fraser. Stare at a poster of two laughing thirtysomething women in thick, sparkly clothing. Almost vomit. Your shoes and socks are soaking and you had breakfast in Central Library (some bourbon biscuits and a bottle of Lucozade that your girlfriend lent you money to buy) and this promotional image seems like the MOST decadent thing you’ve ever seen.
  3. Nurture a dull, nauseating headache and a dodgy stomach. (For extra credit, see if you can get your anaemia to come back. You’ll love it.)
  4. Get one good cry in before 9am every day.
  5. Read the new book by Fred and Rose West’s daughter. Make it one of the only topics of conversation you can carry. Your repertoire should be able to suit any occasion, and a solid roster of “Mueller investigation” and “the Wests” and “my headache” and “ill mother” can be deployed anywhere.
  6. Get a distinction in your Masters. Just sort of throw that in, for texture.
  7. Push on your eyelids until you see kaleidoscopes.
  8. Be as absolutely useless as possible. You won’t need to try – this is a side effect. Everything you do can be described as ‘languishing’, but it doesn’t feel like it. It just feels like being still so that something doesn’t see you.
  9. Identify a magic cure. If you had a pet capybara who would trip upstairs to wake you every morning, shoving its nose in your face and then clopping over the bedroom laminate, you’d be fine. If you had the Modern Renaissance eyeshadow palette, you’d be fine. If you lived in a big complex with a shared garden with all your friends, like the Westboro Baptist Church but obviously not Like That, you’d be fine.
  10. Run out of paracetamol, for the headache.

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