Things I’m actually referring to when I write ‘I’m afraid’ on a work email

  • I’m afraid that the ghost I think lives in the 23rd floor bathroom will tell my boss I believe in it
  • I’m afraid that this will result in a bad performance review, for some reason
  • I’m afraid that adding little flourishes like ‘I’m afraid’ onto my emails is the only way I can use any of the writing skills I have
  • I’m afraid nobody is impressed by this
  • I’m afraid I can no longer blame any potential incompetency on being a child, because I am 23 and no longer get ID’d when I buy a pint and people freak out when I cry rather than looking at me with sympathy
  • I’m afraid that the cafeteria staff will tell people about the time I had no money to pay for my lunch but they gave it to me anyway, and then instead of eating it I cried to my girlfriend down the phone for an hour
  • I’m afraid the tall, thin building I work in suddenly buckling in the middle and flinging itself about like one of those inflatable dancing things you get at a car dealership
  • I’m afraid of the rest of my life spread out in front of me, ready for me to twist in my hands worriedly and render it wasted
  • At the end of the day, I AM afraid that there’s no availability for a meeting room at this time. I’m afraid you will send me an angry response, as if I myself have booked up every meeting room to nap in – as if that’s something I’ve actually done, rather than something I think about at least once a day. I’m afraid that you’ll refrain from adding a ‘best wishes’, or ‘kind regards’. I am afraid, in short, of everything.

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