Five Unsettling Things I Found Whilst Cleaning My Room, Ranked From Least to Most Sinister

You know that bit in ‘Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix’ where they have to tidy up Grimmauld Place and they almost die multiple times because of all the stuff? Yeah.


5) £70 in loose change

A very good, positive thing to find! Even though, if you dropped that seventy pounds into the big, echoey hole of debt I live in, you probably wouldn’t hear them hit the bottom.


4) Tiny, flower-shaped perfume bottles from Boots circa 2004

These moved house with me in 2007. Why? The perfume is dried up. The bottles are very small, and not particularly pretty, and Past Me engineered it so that in the year 2017 I’d have to look at them and have them, briefly, be a part of my life. They look like something from The Virgin Suicides.


3) Diary from when I was sixteen

I made a list of ideal jobs. ‘God’ was number one. ‘Some sort of job where I suffer in dreadful pain for six hours a day and then live guilt-free’ was at the bottom of the list. I was being very Catholic and angsty but managed to accidentally sum up exactly what working in a call centre felt like so perhaps this is some sort of prophetic document? I also talk a lot about how I don’t want to be a person but instead some sort of non-corporeal spirit, except “I would miss burgers”. I was talking about McDonald’s plain cheeseburgers. That is the saddest thing of all.


2) Handmade vase from Year Seven with hidden note inside

A very badly-made vase whose inside is about a thumb’s width and depth, painted blue and purple. The note says ‘I wish I could time travel to the future’. This is a cursed object, and I dread to think of the bad energies it has been pumping out into my room for a decade.


1) My own teeth

I had a little silver pot with a fairy on it where baby teeth are supposed to be stored, but a good thing that can happen, when a little jar like that is squashed next to a shoebox of old makeup and worn-down nail files, is that the teeth will FALL OUT and SCATTER AMONG EVERYTHING. It’s all the grossness of being the jogger who finds human remains with none of the tension of “who could this be?” because it’s me. It’s my teeth.


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