A Collection of Top Whatever Lists I Could Write About 2016 But Won’t

  • Top five times I called a Sia song that wasn’t ‘Titanium’ ‘Titanium’ to the absolutely crushing detriment of whatever point I was trying to make
  • Top ten weird things strangers have said to me in the street
  • Top ten ‘okay’s delivered after strangers have said things to me in the street
  • Top thirty-six times I’ve missed the 36 bus
  • Top three times I’ve acted out the ARGH ONE FEELS LIKE A DUCK bit from John Mulaney’s latest stand-up with my old housemate in front of household guests that didn’t want to see us both stamp one foot twice, rapidly, on the floor, and shout QUACK QUACK
  • Top fifteen ill-advised career searches I’ve made after watching someone do a job well on a TV show and deciding I could do it too
  • Top hundred times I’d said that Shoutout to My Ex by Little Mix is “the song of the year” even though no one asked me what I thought the song of the year was – like, I don’t have a column in ‘Q’ with a weird illustrated picture of myself at the top, I’ve bought maybe three albums this whole year and two of them were from ‘Hamilton’, I never listen to Radio Six or read NME and the last concert I went to was a drag show; I just need everyone to know that Little Mix truly delivered the British song of the year because when I was writing this I remembered ‘Hold Up’ by Beyonce which is probably the overall Best Song
  • Top ten revenge plots I’ve concocted against people who committed minor wrongs against me or Hillary Clinton
  • Top five times my heart briefly stopped because my hamster jumped onto the floor of his cage from a ridiculous height
  • Top four times my hairdressers have told me not to cut my own fringe, failing to understand that sometimes it’s the only way to feel joy in this world
  • Top twenty headaches
  • Top hundred loops of Mike Birbiglia’s ‘Sleepwalk With Me’ that I leave on, lullaby-like, when I go to sleep and ruin everyone’s Spotify sidebar with for eight hours
  • (Top one time I’ve wanted to confirm that that’s no shade to Mike Birbiglia, that show is just on my saved albums list and at 2am it vanishes despair like Oust)
  • Top ten hallucinated dark figures in my room when I am half asleep, as ranked by how much dread they made me feel
  • Top what-feels-like-a-million NPR Politics episodes I listened to every week for a year, like a spell which ultimately did not work AT ALL, DID IT
  • Top forty times I was faced with my own mediocrity in a very bad, stomach-clenching manner, the same way you realise the top you’re wearing has had toothpaste down it all day and everyone has just been looking at you like that
  • Top seven generations of the same Sim family I raised from cradle to grave!!!! Amazing. What a year

 

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