Roundabout Ways of Describing My Current Mental Health Situation

  • That feeling when it’s summer and all the windows are open and a big, ugly wasp has come in, and you don’t want to move because this is YOUR HOUSE and you can kind of ignore the wasp, but then it buzzes or you see its warning-striped body climbing on the curtain or table, and a stab of fear hits you. That’s how I feel when I remember just, like, who I am as a person.
    Continue reading “Roundabout Ways of Describing My Current Mental Health Situation”

Top 10 Depression Activities

  1. Go to Platt Fields Park and stare at the birds. Actually, first of all, stare at their poop, which is mixed with wet leaves and mud into the path around the pond. You need to appreciate the volume of poop before you go ahead and stare at the birds. Watch some gulls and geese having a fallout. Watch a little coot nipping across the water. Watch a massive muddy swan flop onto dry land, walk to the grass, and start eating dirt.  Continue reading “Top 10 Depression Activities”

5 Ways to Cure Your Mum’s Cancer

  1. Explain the unlikeliness of it to people. Explain it away: the lack of anyone in our big Irish family who has had cancer, the way Mum only needs two beers to get drunk and tends to stop there, the fact she has never smoked and is a healthy weight and once got told by a psychic that she would live a charmed life. Build on the charmed life part. Don’t say it out loud, but let it be understood: things like this don’t happen to people like us. Continue reading “5 Ways to Cure Your Mum’s Cancer”

Things I’m actually referring to when I write ‘I’m afraid’ on a work email

  • I’m afraid that the ghost I think lives in the 23rd floor bathroom will tell my boss I believe in it
  • I’m afraid that this will result in a bad performance review, for some reason
  • I’m afraid that adding little flourishes like ‘I’m afraid’ onto my emails is the only way I can use any of the writing skills I have
  • I’m afraid nobody is impressed by this
  • I’m afraid I can no longer blame any potential incompetency on being a child, because I am 23 and no longer get ID’d when I buy a pint and people freak out when I cry rather than looking at me with sympathy Continue reading “Things I’m actually referring to when I write ‘I’m afraid’ on a work email”

Do I want to be or kiss Clarice Starling from ‘Silence of the Lambs’? An examination

Summer is the time for macabre obsessions to blossom – to get really, really weird, until you’re spending your break at work reading lists of the Fred and Rose West victims as if it’s a natural thing to do with your downtime. The long light scoots nightmares out. The winter means walking home alone in the dark, often, which is bad enough without worrying you are going to spy Ted Bundy across the road, bobbing around on fake crutches and asking for help with his suitcase. In summer, this feels less likely.  Continue reading “Do I want to be or kiss Clarice Starling from ‘Silence of the Lambs’? An examination”

Five Unsettling Things I Found Whilst Cleaning My Room, Ranked From Least to Most Sinister

You know that bit in ‘Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix’ where they have to tidy up Grimmauld Place and they almost die multiple times because of all the stuff? Yeah.


5) £70 in loose change

A very good, positive thing to find! Even though, if you dropped that seventy pounds into the big, echoey hole of debt I live in, you probably wouldn’t hear them hit the bottom.


4) Tiny, flower-shaped perfume bottles from Boots circa 2004

These moved house with me in 2007. Why? The perfume is dried up. The bottles are very small, and not particularly pretty, and Past Me engineered it so that in the year 2017 I’d have to look at them and have them, briefly, be a part of my life. They look like something from The Virgin Suicides. Continue reading “Five Unsettling Things I Found Whilst Cleaning My Room, Ranked From Least to Most Sinister”

‘Can’t Pay? We’ll Take It Away’: A Literary Analysis

Some programmes exist in a peculiar hinterland, accessible only in certain stages of your life. They’re such unattractive prospects to everyone else that they may as well be broadcast on a different frequency. ‘Can’t Pay? We’ll Take It Away’ exists in a liminal space (Channel 5) that you can only reach if you are a student, or depressed. It makes you feel the same way you do when you see someone fall over in public. Continue reading “‘Can’t Pay? We’ll Take It Away’: A Literary Analysis”

Too busy to write?

All I tweet about nowadays is the bus. I am on the bus for at least three hours a day. Sometimes, in the morning, I wish it was longer, because when you’re on the bus, you’re not in work.

So I’m on the bus, or I’m in work, and then I get home at various times of the evening and have tea and talk to my housemates and play with the hamster and read the internet and catch up on TV and have a shower and go to bed. I am dramatic about this, but this is everyone’s schedule, minus the hamster and maybe plus a dog or cat or child. I missed a Trump protest in my town, I’ve only seen one of the Oscar-nominated films this year, and at the weekends I sleep all day and then watch, like, half a horror film over a takeaway before going to sleep again, this time while it’s dark outside. Also I’m worrying about work the whole time and sometimes I’ll remember while my hamster is climbing up my arm or The Undateables is on and it’s like suddenly remembering a crime you’re on the run from. Like the end of The Sopranos. Continue reading “Too busy to write?”

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